Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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