I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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