Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
