You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
