i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
