I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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