There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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