I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
