I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
