I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
