3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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