dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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