go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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