yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
