I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize