When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
