Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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