How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
