You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
