like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
