i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we're making bets on your personal life
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
