Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
