pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
