oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
