apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
