I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
