so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
