woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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