just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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