my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
