I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
