You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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