I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
