I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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