how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize