just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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