a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
