Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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