john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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