I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
