Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
