she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
