Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
