Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
