Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
