My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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