Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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