Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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