I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
