I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
