I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
