i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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