Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
