My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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