Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
